The Evil-er Empire
Everybody take a deep breath. We have to talk.
First off...the awful truth. The Boston Red Sox are, indeed, world's champions. No joke. The past two weeks have not merely been a cosmic nightmare of epic proportions for Yankees fans. This really did happen. Hell did freeze over. On a related note, I’ve figured out where we can send the NHL following its lockout.
But that's beside the point. Yankees fans, present company included, should be ready for a difficult 2005. The first salvo comes in April, when the Boston home opener – and subsequent championship flag hoisting – comes in the presence (and at the expense of) the Yankees. Thanks Commissioner Selig...you dick.
Wait...there's more. Be prepared for the taunting, the t-shirts, the "Year-Two-Thousand" chants (how clever), the gay slurs and the like. It’s all there and it is not negotiable. April couldn't get further away.
So, that's what we're up against. In addition to blowing a season in a way not even Willie from Real World: Philadelphia could possibly imagine, the Yankees continue to be the most reviled franchise in the American sports landscape. Nobody feels bad for us. People are actually happy to see us suffer…thrilled in fact.
Luckily, I have a plan. You may deem it controversial, curious, stupid or brilliant. I personally feel it's a little bit of all of those.
It goes as follows: Instead of cowering and feeling bad for ourselves in the face of such spiteful infidelities, the Yankees and their fans should take the opposite route. It is time we fully embrace our evil reputation. Our destiny, if you will. In other words, instead of simply being portrayed as evil, the Yankees and their fans should actually become evil. Like Earthquake crushing Damian-evil, Michaels putting Jannetty through the Barbershop plate-glass window-evil, Undertaker suffocating The Ultimate Warrior in a casket-evil.
I’m talking dastardly stuff here.
So without further ado, below you’ll find a selection of new guidelines that I have forwarded to the offices of the New York Yankees. Keep your fingers crossed.
- No more water in the visitor’s dugout: Okay, let's start from the top. What do humans need to function properly? Hell, what do humans need to survive? Water. So the New York Yankees should no longer offer any fluids in the visitor's dugout. Effective April 1, 2005, no water, or any fluids that contain water, would be acceptable. This rule would include, but not be limited to, all Gatorade, PowerAde, Snapple, Coca-Cola and Pepsi-Cola products. Additionally, the visitor’s clubhouse would not longer offer a shower or bath sector, they Yankees would instead advise visiting management to procure additional deodorant products for trips to New York.
-No acknowledgement of visitor presence in any way: Under this potential new policy, the visitor team would exist in theory only. The New York Yankees would no longer acknowledge visiting players when they come to bat or take the field. All fans would turn their backs and remain silent when a visiting player came to bat. Total indifference. Unless David Eckstein was involved...because he's funny to look at.
-New Promotions: Effective this season, each game versus the Boston Red Sox would feature a free give-away of Energizer “D” cell batteries. The New York Yankees would fully endorse the hurling of these products on the field of play and at members of the Boston team. There would be other special nights as well. Like "Kill Johnny Damon Night" for one, "Douse Kevin Millar In Jack Daniels In Whiskey And Set Him On Fire Night" for another.
-Stadium Improvements: Effective April 1, 2005, Yankee Stadium would be renamed Yankee Lair. Additionally, the bases would be painted red and all padded walls would be converted to black. No food would be served to paid customers not wearing Yankees merchandise. These fans would additionally be beaten and ejected.
-That's not The Bronx River, that's Denial: I like this one. The Yankees would head into the new season masquerading as if they did indeed win the Series in 2004. We would re-paint all references of 26 World Championships to have it say 27. We would have the championship ring presentation and flag-raising when the Sox come to town. The "1918" chant would continue on as always, and Red Sox fans in attendance...wait, we would take care of that problem as well.
So there you go Yankees fans. Hold your head up high and be proud. Help is on the way.
First off...the awful truth. The Boston Red Sox are, indeed, world's champions. No joke. The past two weeks have not merely been a cosmic nightmare of epic proportions for Yankees fans. This really did happen. Hell did freeze over. On a related note, I’ve figured out where we can send the NHL following its lockout.
But that's beside the point. Yankees fans, present company included, should be ready for a difficult 2005. The first salvo comes in April, when the Boston home opener – and subsequent championship flag hoisting – comes in the presence (and at the expense of) the Yankees. Thanks Commissioner Selig...you dick.
Wait...there's more. Be prepared for the taunting, the t-shirts, the "Year-Two-Thousand" chants (how clever), the gay slurs and the like. It’s all there and it is not negotiable. April couldn't get further away.
So, that's what we're up against. In addition to blowing a season in a way not even Willie from Real World: Philadelphia could possibly imagine, the Yankees continue to be the most reviled franchise in the American sports landscape. Nobody feels bad for us. People are actually happy to see us suffer…thrilled in fact.
Luckily, I have a plan. You may deem it controversial, curious, stupid or brilliant. I personally feel it's a little bit of all of those.
It goes as follows: Instead of cowering and feeling bad for ourselves in the face of such spiteful infidelities, the Yankees and their fans should take the opposite route. It is time we fully embrace our evil reputation. Our destiny, if you will. In other words, instead of simply being portrayed as evil, the Yankees and their fans should actually become evil. Like Earthquake crushing Damian-evil, Michaels putting Jannetty through the Barbershop plate-glass window-evil, Undertaker suffocating The Ultimate Warrior in a casket-evil.
I’m talking dastardly stuff here.
So without further ado, below you’ll find a selection of new guidelines that I have forwarded to the offices of the New York Yankees. Keep your fingers crossed.
- No more water in the visitor’s dugout: Okay, let's start from the top. What do humans need to function properly? Hell, what do humans need to survive? Water. So the New York Yankees should no longer offer any fluids in the visitor's dugout. Effective April 1, 2005, no water, or any fluids that contain water, would be acceptable. This rule would include, but not be limited to, all Gatorade, PowerAde, Snapple, Coca-Cola and Pepsi-Cola products. Additionally, the visitor’s clubhouse would not longer offer a shower or bath sector, they Yankees would instead advise visiting management to procure additional deodorant products for trips to New York.
-No acknowledgement of visitor presence in any way: Under this potential new policy, the visitor team would exist in theory only. The New York Yankees would no longer acknowledge visiting players when they come to bat or take the field. All fans would turn their backs and remain silent when a visiting player came to bat. Total indifference. Unless David Eckstein was involved...because he's funny to look at.
-New Promotions: Effective this season, each game versus the Boston Red Sox would feature a free give-away of Energizer “D” cell batteries. The New York Yankees would fully endorse the hurling of these products on the field of play and at members of the Boston team. There would be other special nights as well. Like "Kill Johnny Damon Night" for one, "Douse Kevin Millar In Jack Daniels In Whiskey And Set Him On Fire Night" for another.
-Stadium Improvements: Effective April 1, 2005, Yankee Stadium would be renamed Yankee Lair. Additionally, the bases would be painted red and all padded walls would be converted to black. No food would be served to paid customers not wearing Yankees merchandise. These fans would additionally be beaten and ejected.
-That's not The Bronx River, that's Denial: I like this one. The Yankees would head into the new season masquerading as if they did indeed win the Series in 2004. We would re-paint all references of 26 World Championships to have it say 27. We would have the championship ring presentation and flag-raising when the Sox come to town. The "1918" chant would continue on as always, and Red Sox fans in attendance...wait, we would take care of that problem as well.
So there you go Yankees fans. Hold your head up high and be proud. Help is on the way.
posted by Dan Hanzus at 9:09 AM
2 Comments:
This site blows. Nice Real World reset, how cutting! Way to not allow anonymous comments either. I had to set up an account just to let you know you should give up now. Two Yankee columns in a row? Aren't their two NFL teams and a basketball team you can turn your "comedic" and "unique" eye on? Your d-bag yanks shit the bed and all of America is happy about it. Deal with it. Cheers.
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