My blog is alive, but does it truly live?
When you have a Web log that you update on a, ahem, irregular basis, you tend to find yourself thinking of that old falling tree/empty forest/did it fall? proverb. "Am I really writing 1,000 words on the Counting Crows to no one inparticular?"
The worst part is when you finally get a comment, someone who actually appreciates your smart and witty offerings to the general public. Could it be a publisher, seduced by your siren call? An old girlfriend that has finally realized the error of her ways? Adam Duritz, lead singer of '90s rock act, Counting Crows? The answer, sadly, is always no. If I'm lucky, it's typically some douchey blog surfer calling me an idiot. Or some dude trying to sell a thousand beepers by midnight. -- I really like your blog. Would you like to buy 1,000 beepers? CLICK HERE!
A blog is like a relationship. If you don't take care of it, it will go away. Actually, it doesn't go away, it's relevance does. Wait, your saying my blog isn't relevant? Well fuck you too, Sasquatch.
ANYWAY, the producers of "Law & Order: Criminal Intent" may know how I'm feeling. As you probably know, NBC has spawned 144 spinoffs of L&O. This has led to two realities: a) a bi-weekly six digit paycheck for a guy that unironically calls himself Ice-T and b) the end of the world -- which is being brought on by reality a).
I transferred to Northeastern University in Boston in 2000, where I proceeded to not get laid a lot for a calendar year. In that time of involuntary celibacy, I watched the original "Law & Order" quite regularly. The late Jerry Orbach was a masterful man, and he was joined by the fiercely foxy Angie Harmon (who apparently exists only in theory these days, assumedly due to her starring role in "Good Advice," a straight-to-video Chaz Sheen vehicle detonated upon the public in 2001). So my roommate at the time would strum his guitar and smoke tons of weed -- he kept his reefer in ziplock bags with orange peels for "fresh" purposes -- and we'd comment on Angie's skirts and admire Orbach's ability to not give a fuck about "proper police protocol." RIP, Jerry.
My bout with forced-celibacy did not last forever. The tremendously inconsequentional downside to this was losing touch with L&O. But when I saw a commercial for a "very special" Law & Order: Criminal Intent with guest star Michelle Trachtenberg last week, I was back in. I find Trachtenberg oddly sexy. She kind of gives off that, "I'm batshit insane, which is very bad in some ways but very good in others" vibe, and I'm into that. And since the premise of the episode revolved around her playing a popular video blogger who is kidnapped and held for ransom online, I was intrigued.
I don't want to overstate this, but this was the greatest show I've ever seen. I shit you not. I'm now going to type a plot synopsis without slowing down for the next six minutes. If it doesn't make sense, I apologize:
So Trach and her live-in bf get kidnapped during a live Web cam posting ... only they're not really kidnapped, it's an elaborate hoax ... or IS IT? Chris Noth aka Mr. Big is on the case hardcore, his big penis swinging from Manhattan to Elmira trying to crack the shit. A mousy redhead detective is also with him, presumably because of his large genitals. Trach's bf's ear is cut off by the kidnappers live to an assumedly petrified online audience, so us viewers are all like, "Well hell yeah, this is real, go get the bastards Mr. Big!" But NO, the fake kidnappers cut off the bf's ear to make the kidnapping look more realistic! They cut the dude's ear off for EFFECT! TREMENDOUS! It's a hoax to get ransom money via online donations from readers of Trach's vid blog! Trach's in on it too! So is the dude who's ear was cut off! DEDICATION MY FRIENDS! Long story short, one of the faux-kidnappers gets accidentally iced in a staged gunfight (he was killed with a slug, The Crow stizz) and Trach's bf ends up getting sentenced to a lifetime term in a federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison. On top of that, somehow Trach gets the money -- I'm foggy on how this happened legally -- and she moves to Hollywood, but not before she does a sitdown with Larry King (CAMEO!) which Big and his mousy partner watch on a giant screen in Times Square, which OF COURSE symbolizes that Trach became what she always wanted to be ... A STAR. Roll credits.
Anyway, since I watched this alone, I was hoping someone in cyberspace also saw this incredible episode and will chime in on it. I'm officially using my blog for conversation purposes. I will now go to Duane Reed to buy a bottle of poison.
The worst part is when you finally get a comment, someone who actually appreciates your smart and witty offerings to the general public. Could it be a publisher, seduced by your siren call? An old girlfriend that has finally realized the error of her ways? Adam Duritz, lead singer of '90s rock act, Counting Crows? The answer, sadly, is always no. If I'm lucky, it's typically some douchey blog surfer calling me an idiot. Or some dude trying to sell a thousand beepers by midnight. -- I really like your blog. Would you like to buy 1,000 beepers? CLICK HERE!
A blog is like a relationship. If you don't take care of it, it will go away. Actually, it doesn't go away, it's relevance does. Wait, your saying my blog isn't relevant? Well fuck you too, Sasquatch.
ANYWAY, the producers of "Law & Order: Criminal Intent" may know how I'm feeling. As you probably know, NBC has spawned 144 spinoffs of L&O. This has led to two realities: a) a bi-weekly six digit paycheck for a guy that unironically calls himself Ice-T and b) the end of the world -- which is being brought on by reality a).
I transferred to Northeastern University in Boston in 2000, where I proceeded to not get laid a lot for a calendar year. In that time of involuntary celibacy, I watched the original "Law & Order" quite regularly. The late Jerry Orbach was a masterful man, and he was joined by the fiercely foxy Angie Harmon (who apparently exists only in theory these days, assumedly due to her starring role in "Good Advice," a straight-to-video Chaz Sheen vehicle detonated upon the public in 2001). So my roommate at the time would strum his guitar and smoke tons of weed -- he kept his reefer in ziplock bags with orange peels for "fresh" purposes -- and we'd comment on Angie's skirts and admire Orbach's ability to not give a fuck about "proper police protocol." RIP, Jerry.
My bout with forced-celibacy did not last forever. The tremendously inconsequentional downside to this was losing touch with L&O. But when I saw a commercial for a "very special" Law & Order: Criminal Intent with guest star Michelle Trachtenberg last week, I was back in. I find Trachtenberg oddly sexy. She kind of gives off that, "I'm batshit insane, which is very bad in some ways but very good in others" vibe, and I'm into that. And since the premise of the episode revolved around her playing a popular video blogger who is kidnapped and held for ransom online, I was intrigued.
I don't want to overstate this, but this was the greatest show I've ever seen. I shit you not. I'm now going to type a plot synopsis without slowing down for the next six minutes. If it doesn't make sense, I apologize:
So Trach and her live-in bf get kidnapped during a live Web cam posting ... only they're not really kidnapped, it's an elaborate hoax ... or IS IT? Chris Noth aka Mr. Big is on the case hardcore, his big penis swinging from Manhattan to Elmira trying to crack the shit. A mousy redhead detective is also with him, presumably because of his large genitals. Trach's bf's ear is cut off by the kidnappers live to an assumedly petrified online audience, so us viewers are all like, "Well hell yeah, this is real, go get the bastards Mr. Big!" But NO, the fake kidnappers cut off the bf's ear to make the kidnapping look more realistic! They cut the dude's ear off for EFFECT! TREMENDOUS! It's a hoax to get ransom money via online donations from readers of Trach's vid blog! Trach's in on it too! So is the dude who's ear was cut off! DEDICATION MY FRIENDS! Long story short, one of the faux-kidnappers gets accidentally iced in a staged gunfight (he was killed with a slug, The Crow stizz) and Trach's bf ends up getting sentenced to a lifetime term in a federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison. On top of that, somehow Trach gets the money -- I'm foggy on how this happened legally -- and she moves to Hollywood, but not before she does a sitdown with Larry King (CAMEO!) which Big and his mousy partner watch on a giant screen in Times Square, which OF COURSE symbolizes that Trach became what she always wanted to be ... A STAR. Roll credits.
Anyway, since I watched this alone, I was hoping someone in cyberspace also saw this incredible episode and will chime in on it. I'm officially using my blog for conversation purposes. I will now go to Duane Reed to buy a bottle of poison.
posted by Dan Hanzus at 8:43 PM
4 comments
