Sizing up Wildcard Weekend

Let me preface this by saying I have no idea what I'm talking about.

Chances are you don't need that disclaimer. You are reading an erraticly-at-best updated Web log, after all, one that actually features a column trumping the New York Jets (yes, those New York Jets) as your next Superbowl champions. Surely I typed in jest you say. Nope. I was actually serious...a little drunk...but serious nonetheless.

I'm also the same guy that has failed to make my fantasy football playoffs the last three years, a lowly distinction previously designated to autistic children and carnies. I've never played a down of organized football in my life, opting for the safer pastures of the soccer field. Full disclosure, I quit before my sophomore year after realizing that soccer sucked worse than Wrangler jeans. I get sweats to this day at the thought of the Juggling Drill. And if you don't know what the Juggling Drill is, well man, consider yourself lucky.

And yet I digress.

So, a questionable pedigree to say the least. But no matter, because here at Apple Sports Life we like to throw caution to the wind. I'm going to take a crack at Wild Card weekend with one promise: If I get anything less than three of four games correct, I will retire from making NFL predictions.

For a couple of weeks anyway. Onto the picks…

(In honor of HBO immortals Len Dawson and Nick Buoniconti, we're going to do these picks "Inside The NFL" style. No spreads, just the winner. Like men. And by men, I mean like a man who holds the worst Fewest Bets Placed : Most Money Lost ratio in the history of modern sports. Onto the picks…)

Rams at Seahawks (Saturday, 4:30 p.m.)

Is there a more unlikable man alive than Mike Martz? I know there are more established villains in the world, your Bin Laden's and Jon Norris' and what not, but Martz is zooming up the charts, thanks in large part to his smart-ass attitude and please-please-please-punch-me-in-my-stupid-pompous-face routine. The press, his players and his fans all universally despise him and yet he remains gainfully employed. The NFL is funny like that. Make a Superbowl appearance and its like a stay of execution that can last for years. It's the NFL's Overblown Credibility Club. After the Rams became the first team to back into the playoffs with a win Sunday against the Jets, CBS showed a slow motion celebration cackle by Martz that put even Vince McMahon to shame. As for the Seahawks? I think they'll find a way at home, even though Mike Holmgren has been coasting for years on the same bogus cred as Martz. I believe Holmgren handles the books and cleans the pool at the OCC. A side note: I found Shaun Alexander's blowup after narrowly losing out on the rushing title to C. Martin strangely forgivable. Obviously, it came off poorly considering he was in the locker room of a team that had just clinched a division title, but I have to say, I'd be agitated in his place. Alexander is a tremendous player. He has carried that team (20!?! touchdowns) all season. His frustration, although ill-timed, has to be somewhat justified if it costs him serious bonus money. The NFL is different from any other major sport in that these guys aren't set for life just by staying in the game for a couple years. Contracts are backloaded and non-guaranteed -- one awkward cut or ugly pileup could end the ride. Chances are, Alexander will have more money than God by the time he's 30, but the risk in football remains. I think these guys worry about that more than most people think. Pick: Seahawks

Chargers at Jets (Saturday, 8 p.m.)

When the weather gets nasty and I feel the need to vomit at least once a week, that must mean the Jets are playing meaningful late-season football. It's like the stirring of livestock before a twister. This team was flying high a month ago, sitting at 9-3 with "statement games" against the Steelers and Patriots on the docket. Fast forward to the present and the Jets are 10-6 and without a shred of confidence or continuity to be found. Edwards and offensive coordinator Paul Hackett have been lambasted by the media of late, and rightly so. But that truth has partially deflected the blows away from Chad Pennington, who has been uglier than a 4 a.m. PATH train of late. It's funny. Six months ago this guy was "The Franchise" and now most Jets fans don't know what to think about him anymore. As someone who put down a 60 spot for his replica jersey, I stay on the ship for now, but for financial reasons alone. Between the shoulder injury suffered in Week 9 and his strange mini-war with the New York press following the Seattle win in Week 15, Pennington's rep has taken a real hit of late. He desperately needs to show up this weekend. Unfortunately, I'm not sure he can do that right now…not in his current physical (and possibly mental) state. As for the Chargers, you don't win 12 games by accident and the Drew Brees Redemption has been a miracle on par with the Virgin Mary grilled cheese. This was the same guy who teetered on the brink of the NFL scrapheap as recently as a Week 2 loss to these same Jets. Now he's one of the one of the best passers in the league. Figure that one out. The Chargers offense with Tomlinson and Gates is scary, and the normally stout Jets defense shit the bed in a loss to the Rams on Sunday. Throw in the fact that the game is being played in SoCal, and this should be an easy win for the Bolts. But it's never that easy with the Jets. Believe me on this. Going down in flames after a 5-0 start with a one-and-done swan song would be too simplistic. "They didn't have the team," an excepting Jets fan would say. But it doesn't work that way. It never has…and it never will. The Heartbreak Hotel remains vacant for another week.Pick: J-E-T-S


Broncos at Colts (Sunday, 1 p.m.)

If you're smelling blowout here, you are not alone (cue creepy Michael Jackson-Lisa Marie Presley vid clip). Peyton Manning and Peyton Manning's deformed head will shine here, leading to a week of ESPN.com and SportsCenter reports attempting to tie him to Easter Sunday. Five touchdowns here for Manning is not out of the question, one can only hope that he picks on Champ Bailey, who was exposed this season worse than Hootie and The Blowfish in '95. In related news, Dan Marino appeared in Hootie's 1995 classic video "Only Want To Be With You," throwing a pass to lead singer and ardent Fish fan Darius Rucker. Rucker dropped the ball, just as he would do a year later with the release of "Fairweather Johnson." On the Broncos side, Mike Shanahan (a founding member of the Overblown Credibility Club) will do his usual routine, looking as if he has to take a dump for three straight hours. Jake Plummer will take his helmet off following ill-advised pass attempts and expose his unsightly beard. Laughter will ensue. Pick: Colts.


Vikings at Packers (Sunday, 4:30 p.m.)

A few thoughts on the Vikings. First off, giving Mike Tice a contract extension after the Vikes latest inexcusable slide job is like giving Breckin Meyer another primetime sitcom after "Inside Schwartz." You just don't do it. Tice, who exudes a Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer quality that makes him oddly endearing, seems like a nice enough guy, but I wouldn't leave him alone with my iPod for 10 minutes. He has a bizarre knack at messing things up. On the other side, you have Brett Favre, who I predict will be willed to at least three TD passes by whichever announcing team is working the game. Old white announcer guys loooove Brett Favre. It's uncanny. I swear I heard Paul Maguire climax after a Favre eight-yard scramble last month. I think I read somewhere that Dan Dierdorf doesn't wear his wedding band when calling Favre games. Dick Enberg's plea bargain dictates he stay 1000 yards from Lambeau until 2008. I wish I was making this stuff up. Pick: Packers